Relationship Advice

We recently did a survey to determine with what people were struggling.The most commonly listed struggles were with relationships. My guess is that is not unusual. The most frequently provided relationship question was “How do I better understand and work with a difficult relationship?”

You can learn a lot from a relationship with difficult person: bosses, ex-wives, adult children. One lesson that I learned from the most difficult relationship in my life, an ex-boss, is choose your battles wisely. There are two important questions before engaging in a conflict with a difficult person. First, what am I going to gain?  

Before the Israelites crossed into the “Promised Land,” Moses set before them a choice, “to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him” or not (Deuteronomy 30:16, NIV). One path would lead to life and prosperity and the other destruction and death. In this choice, there was a lot to gain. Just before this passage, we read Moses instructions; if the people chose to follow God, “The Lord will again delight in you and make you prosperous, just as he delighted in your ancestors…” (Deuteronomy 30:9, NIV). There was a lot to gain in making the right choice.

When my children were young, Lizzy and I brought them to church regularly. I was a leader in the children’s ministry. I led the youth group. We made it our family’s priority. We brought the neighbor kids to church too. Also, we picked up my niece and nephew and took them to church. This action resulted in the salvation of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. At one point, my niece said to my brother-in-law, “Dad, you don’t stand a chance. We are all praying for you. You might as well start coming to church.” And, he did.  

Now, I am so glad we made the house of God our priority. Looking back, those days are gone. I couldn’t have a “do over,” even if I wanted it.  But, I don’t need one. We did what was right or righteous in the sight of God. Praise God!

Choosing what is righteous is important, especially when it comes to relationships. This brings me to the second question with regards to choosing your battles wisely. What am I going to lose? In relationships, the issue is not “right or wrong,” but “getting along.” I challenge you with this truth as it relates to all of the difficult relationships in your life: Instead of being right, be righteous…remember, WWJD (What Would Jesus Do).  

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9). My wife is the best example of a peacemaker. She does not like conflicts and will go out of her way to keep the peace. Me on the other hand, I like logic and order. I want to convince others of the truth of my reasoning. Sometimes, I will make my point with a sledge hammer. “Of course, you were the one to leave the coffee pot on. You were the last one to leave the house.” It took me a long time to learn that there was more to lose than to gain in these types of arguments. From my ex-boss, I learned that, for her, emotions were a lot more important than logic.

The other day, Lizzy and I were using the “Maps” app to determine the best route for driving to my son’s office.  She kept clicking the map.  I said, “I want to see the difference between the options.”  But, she kept clicking. My voice got loud and I said, “Stop, clicking!  I want to see the difference.”  Of course, logically, I knew that the only important difference in the alternative routes is the time difference which shows on the overview screen. But, she was clicking each route so I can see the alternate roads that we could travel. I start to explain that the most important difference is how long it takes, but stopped. 

 It didn’t really matter; saving a few minutes is not much to gain when compared to what could be lost if I continued the argument. The point, someone can do something differently than you and still be right. Being righteous is much better than being right. If you are that person, like me, that has to be right all the time, this may be a difficult, but important lesson to learn.

You won’t find the word relationships in the King James and only a few times in the NIV, but we have a sure model for a God-like relationship.

“Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…” (Philippians 2:1-8, NIV)

Let this be our prayer today, “Lord, let us have the mindset that you modeled for us!”

Copyright © 2023 Chuck Locklear

Also, see How to be Happy.