Raising Children Is Tough

Gracie is a beautiful person inside and out. Her story should be made into a movie. Her father went to jail when she was young and her mother left her to join the carnival. Gracie’s mother’s parents took her to Texas to live with them. Her mother came to visit and was angry that Gracie referred to her grandparents as mom and dad. So, the mother took Gracie to travel with the carnival. Gracie’s story provide provides two incredible lessons about raising children.

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6

Gracie’s father got out of jail and started looking for her. Child Protective Services located Gracie and called her father. Her father traveled to Texas and brought her back to Michigan. After a long time, the mother came to kid-nap her again and took her to a different state. Her father came and got her. This happened a third time, but now Gracie was older. The father had remarried and Gracie’s mother convinced her that her dad didn’t want her, but he found her again and recused her.

Several more years passed by and her mother came back into her life again, but now Gracie was an adult. The mother always talked bad about the dad and tried to “mother” Gracie. Gracie said, “Mom, my dad is the person I am closest to in life. Don’t talk bad about him. And, stop trying to mother me. I’m an adult now. I want to have a relationship with you, but you’ll need to get to know me as an adult.” I asked Gracie, “How is that going?” She said, “At least, she is trying.”

Lesson One

The first lesson about raising children is that Gracie’s dad loved her. She was important to him, regardless of the situation. His actions communicated that Gracie was valuable enough to come and find her. I’ve met Gracie’s dad. Today, they have a strong, beautiful relationship. The love they have for each other is built on the price he has paid investing into Gracie’s life.

Gracie now has half-brothers and half-sisters. Incredibly, this man has strong, beautiful relationships with each of these children. For him, loving and making his children a priority seems to come naturally. I’m sure he is not thinking about it or asking to himself, “What is the responsible thing to do?” He is doing what is in his heart. Fathers, if it doesn’t come naturally to invest in your children, I ask that you dig deep to find some love and nurture it. Act on it. Do something just for your children. The more you do it, the more natural it will become. If you have the choice to do something for yourself or your children, choose your children. In the long run, it will pay off, just as it has for Gracie’s father.

Lesson Two

The second lesson is about Gracie’s mother. When I use the word “mothering,” what I mean is what typically comes to mind when we think of what a parent does, mother or father. It is directing, telling, disciplining, correcting, etc. In Gracie’s case, she communicated to her mother, you have lost the opportunity to assume these actions. I hear you saying, “That’s right Gracie’s mom doesn’t deserve the privilege,” but I have to tell you the lesson is much deeper. 

As parents, we have a very narrow window of when “mothering” or “fathering” is effective. The change happens at adolescence. I remember with my oldest daughter that this happened at about 11 years old. Yes, 11 years old. Does that mean that, instantly, I was no long able to direct, tell, and correct? No, but these actions gradually became less, and less effective. Instead, what was more, and more effective was my relationship with her. She knew that her mother and I loved her and, most of the time, she wanted to do things to please us. At that point in her life, convincing was much more effective. We would emphasize the expectations we had for her and how we desired the best outcomes for her life. She was old enough to internalize these messages and they worked. 

Adolescence Changes Things

In my case, by the time that my children got to adolescence, the change growing a strong relationship was easier. They already knew that we loved them. We had invested into their lives. Sadly, it is a lot more difficult to convince a high-school-aged son or daughter that you want what is best for them if you haven’t already made the investment. If this is you, keep trying. Raising children is tough. If you are lucky, you’ll have a daughter like Gracie who wants a relationship with you.

Also, see Learn a Lesson From Prince Philip.

Copyright © 2023 Chuck Locklear