Add the word “up” to almost any word and it becomes good: look up, build up, raise up, lift up, save up, make up, upswing, upside, upward bound, etc. Yet, there are some exceptions. Give up, and throw up are definitely not good.
Start With One Person
We can’t fix all of the problems in the world, but we can all do something. Even if you just build up just one person, you are serving our Lord. So, if you are overwhelmed with the task of helping so many in need, start by building up one person.
There is a great song from 1968 by The Foundations titled Build Me Up Buttercup. It is a love song, but the message is relevant. Building someone up is good. Letting them down is bad.
“Why do you build me up Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all, you never call, baby
When you say you will but I love you still
I need you more than anyone, darlin’
You know that I have from the start
So build me up Buttercup, don’t break my heart.”
Generally, people don’t like criticism, even if your intent is positive. This is likely true of your children as well. However, constructive feedback is necessary for growth. The Ladder of Feedback is a routine used by many teachers to create a culture of trust and support through constructive feedback. I was first introduced to the Ladder of Feedback from the work of Daniel Wilson (2005), which he intended for use with classroom observations. As a principal, observing teachers and offering feedback was a regular part of my work. I quickly found that the Ladder of Feedback is a great communicating tool, regardless of the setting, including at home with my own children. There are four steps on the ladder, starting at the bottom and moving up one rung at a time.
Step 1: Clarify
The first rung is asking clarifying questions. This step allows you to be sure of your understand the idea, work, or behavior. Even if you think you understand, clarifying questions will build a common understanding. Don’t sabotage the process by asking questions that are thinly disguised criticism.
Step 2: Value
Next, express what you like about your child’s idea, work, or behavior. Use specific terms; not perfunctory “good, but” comments, while hurrying on to the negatives. Look closely to find something impressive or innovative. Your feedback at this step will build confidence and allow your child see what should be preserved when making improvements.
Step 3: Concerns
The third step up the ladder is for stating your puzzles or concerns. Avoid using absolutes statements like: “What’s wrong is….” Instead, use qualified terms such as: “Have you considered…” or “What I wonder about is…” Do not criticize your child’s character or ability, but focus on ideas, products, or particular aspects of their work.
Step 4: Suggest
The top of the ladder provide the opportunity to offer suggestions. If you have ideas for how to address the concerns identified earlier now is the time to offer them. Remember, there is no guarantee your child will use your suggestions. Suggestions are not directives; allow your child to consider your ideas and decide whether or not to use them.
It may seem awkward at first, but with some practice, you’ll find yourself quickly moving up the ladder. While we can’t fix all of the world’s problems, we are serving by helping one person. Why not start by making a difference at home?
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…”
—1 Thessalonians 5:11
Also, see Random Acts of Kindness.
Copyright © 2023 Chuck Locklear