“Cherish one another.” This is good advice. Too often, we are critical of those we love… a really bad habit. If this is you, change your focus and look for the lovely.
I once counselled a young man. He was dating a girl, who seemed perfect for him. When I spoke with him, however, he would talk about the small traits he did not like, things that did not make her perfect. At one point, I had to stop him by asking what are the things you find attractive about her? As he listed these things, it became obvious that this was a much longer list. I encouraged him to focus on these things and not let her go. He did. They got married, started a family, and now, ten years later, he is still focusing on things that are lovely.
Look For the Lovely
In Matthew, Jesus gave this warning, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Do you use your words as a weapon? Words are more important to some than others. For example, I once counseled a newly married couple; she would use words that were critical and harmful, particularly during arguments. One bad thing about doing this is that once the words are said, you can’t take them back. The young man used words in his chosen profession. To him, words had meaning. They were lasting, permanent. Slowly, the young woman began to realize the impact of her words, and she became more careful. You can work at it and get better. It is better to use words of affirmation. These are words that look for the lovely.
Quality Conversation
I learned to cherish Lizzy by focusing attention on her. This is done primarily through engaging in quality conversation, which is about listening and understanding. Listening is a skill. Do you often cut your spouse off as they are speaking? This could be detrimental to cherishing.
For couples with busy families, it may be difficult to focus attention on each other. Lizzy and I had to work hard at this one. We had to build activities into our busy lives to allow for focused attention. For example, after the kids were in bed, we would watch movies, but leaving lots of time for interrupting questions or ideas. The movie itself was less important than the time together. Even today, we have meals together. These provide the opportunity to engage with one another in conversation, to explore what is going on in each other’s lives.
Instead of cherishing one another, we are often critical. It is my guess that we all have longed to see our moms hold our dads’ hand and to hear her say things like, “How did I get so lucky to have found you?” To see her stroke his hair and hear her say, “And, how did we get such incredible children?” To see the two of them sit down for a meal together and hear these words, “Oh, we had such fun, didn’t we? You have given me a lovely life.”
“The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry.”
— Proverbs 25:11, MSG
Copyright © 2023 Chuck Locklear
Also, see Unconditional Love.